You know, I tend to make some pretty weird decisions.
I think this stems from the fact that I don’t really… think things out thoroughly? Like I usually go with gut and then kinda figure out the reprocussions after the fact. Most of the time, this seems to work out (food, purchasing decisions, what movie to watch, etc.). Other times… not so much (who to date, whether to go back to school, when to leave a job…).
Well, this weird decision making has got me in yet another unusual position. Talking with Micah, I just got offered something I didn’t think was possible a while back. Still not so sure what to do with it, but I need to get some things together (and hunt through boxes of stuff), to see if this is even a possibilityin this stage of my life. I mean, it’s been something I’ve thought about since high school but nothing that I thought was even remotely close…
… until 1pm yesterday.
Now, I’m scrambling to find pieces of myself that I’ve left behind in places I haven’t visited in years. I wonder how this version of me would react to the previous version of me? I’ll find out if I ever find that box…
Still confused as ever, but it’s a confusion I’m starting to live with. I think I’m better off being in this position, only because I can claim ignorance or confusion when the moment arrives. Tomorrow night isnt going to help matters much, either, though Im thankful that I have people that are willing to kick it and make sure that I don’t do anything that I would normally do.
Plus, I get really nervous in situations where I don’t think I have social control. Which is weird, only because I’ve hung out with this person before… it’s just now is… kinda interesting. Especially with all the dreams and stuff surrounding me at the moment. I just hope I can be myself… err, maybe be a little less myself and bit more subdued. I found out by hanging with Cher that I tend to say ridiculous things on command. Like, I will throw out bizarre statements, just to see if anything comes about from it. Which is why I worry about being alone tomorrow night.
Hopefully Micah and Cher can keep me calmed down and not say anything overly stupid.
Yeah, like I need to get the ire of another woman on me.
OK, I know the Josh Verdes song has been played for a while now, but I seriously like this song. Don’t quite understand why. Well, all things considered, especially with all the dreams and ideas that have been floating in my head, I think this song is kinda good to revisit. So yeah, before continuing on to the rest of the post, watch the video.
Done watching? Not yet… OK, I can wait.
Done now? OK, cool.
So, today was another day off and I, again, was feeling quite moody, but better than the past few days. Had a pretty intense morning, with having to knock out some posts that I slacked on the night before. Also, while doing things for the art show, I got to chat with the main homie… and felt kinda hurt because they thought I wasn’t too appreciative. Well, I AM super appreciative and always have been, especially if it’s her stuff. And well… for other reasons as well, which has pretty much been covered ad nauseum in this blog (especially if you’ve read the whole thing). I just felt kinda bad because I’m not aware that I come off that way. Something I need to work on in the future.
Anyway, met up with Mel today and pretty much discussed the happenings of what’s been going down with me. She, unfortunaely, doesn’t read this blog, so I had to do the memory recall for her. Which really sucks now, because everything is pretty much on here and trying to rehash posts I’ve made is a daunting task for someone whose memory is pretty bad to begin with.
Lunch was followed by the usual “What Now?” discussion. Of course, staring out the window only made me want to go outside and enjoy the beautiful day, so I suggested a park or something outdoorsy. Yeah, outdoorsy is a word, look it up.
Anyway, we decided on hitting up Moanalua Gardens, mainly because neither of us have checked it out since elementary school. I have to say, the botanical garden is EPIC. it’s the type of place you bring someone special to and have like a picnic or a relaxing day outside. Not to say that Mel isn’t special but… she is already engaged to one of my friends, and me and Mel have the brother/sister thing down pat… so it was cool, but still kinda empty.
Made me wish someone else was there, someone who would have appreciated the dopeness of flowers and being outside. Didn’t really grasp that concept until we decided to find shelter under a tree. You know, nothing is more peaceful and serene than just having a very insightful conversation while chillin on the grass. Of course, with the sun just beating down and whatnot, it felt kinda awesome to lie down in the grass. Very calming really.
Taking a nap also tends to clear the mind as well, as that’s exactly what I did. Now, before anyone gets any ideas… I took the nap… Mel read a book and in no way were the two related.
BUT! Taking that nap helped me realized the absolute weirdness of what I’m going through right now. On the one hand… main homie that I care the world for is still the main homie, but my brain still blurs the line for some reason. On the other… dope girl that is fun to kick it with seems more attainable today than yesterday, for some reason.
And talking with Mel kinda confirmed what Micah was talking about yesterday: in either case, it makes sense.
Which would kinda explain the dreams I’ve been having as of late, where the person would morph between the two women. I can see myself with either one, even though I think neither of them know their identity. And I think the fact that in the dreams, they morph and nothing seems to be a problem kinda speaks to the fact that I’m equally as comfortable with one or the other.
No one ever said that my nocturnal productions were low quality, poorly conceived or not on point. I like to think I have high production values, as far as a dream is concerned, and excellent writing.
Speaking of, I’ve been doing a lot of that, as of late, which is good, considering the door that just opened up for me. Kinda keeping it under wraps for now, but let’s just say that someone reads this blog and is looking to take my rantings into another media.
Sound intriguing enough there?
Anyway, flicks from the day, as always, can be found on the atypicalFLICKR.
Lots of things going on right now, epecially with the art show coming up in August. It’s gonna be huge and I’m expecting a lot of money to be raised for the American Cancer Society. I’m all about bettering the community, so yeah. All abouts.
Finally, I know people have been asking and yes, we will be going to Rumors to “celebrate” the Celtics winning the championship. It looks like the Rumors trip will go down on July 4th weekend, seeing as how this Saturday is too last minute and next Saturday is Blue Scholars at Next Door. So, mark yoru calendars for July 5th and the atypicalLIVING Rumors event. Sheez, I think I’m gonna try and dress up all old man for that one too.
Brut and Bengay makes all the 40-year-old women FLOCK. It’s the killer combination, really.
See, this is what I miss about the neo-soul movement. Smoothed out R&B tracks like this that really get you in the groove and help you build up that confidence to approach the cute girl across the room. Plus, it gives you an opportunity to ask said cute girl to dance, of which (if she’s feeling the song) she will deifnitely oblige.
Also, another thing missing from the neo-soul movement was that these cats caused other cats to get their dress up on. I mean, seriously, that’s one smoothed out outfit, right? You gotta have the mind sharp and be looking sharp at the same time. (Shout out to Kuhao Zane and the ethnic creative crew).
Anyway, I’ve been reminded of this thought because of the weird dreams I’ve been having. Last night’s one was pretty killer, as it felt like I was talking to girl number one and, mid convo, she would morph into girl number two. And this would continue for the whole dream. Like, it was on some Peter Jackson, Lord Of The Rings type visual effects going on there.
Without the cinematography, of course.
But it wa skinda strange, because thinking of the stuff rattling around in my head recently, this is pretty strange, because I would approach the situation with girl one or two completely differently. I don’t know what this is all supposed to mean, but it’s all coming together, for some strange reason. Clarity is the key, but confusion still reigns supreme.
I’ve been taking ore photos than usual, so the atypicalFLICKR is looking pretty healthy. I made a promise to myself that I would never take Hawaii for granted and I try to make it a point that every day off I have, weather permitting, I’ll venture outside and take photos of stuff. I’m always having that artistic vision always going on inside my optical sockets, so the inspiration is there, just need to pull the camera out and hit the shutter. I seriously should put more effort into finding that 50mm fixed lens. I think I’ll try that lighthaus photo place on South King on Wednesday. I seriously would like to get that lens to play with… but I think that might have to wait until after iPhone 3G comes out and I scoop up my white 16GB.
I find it kinda strange that people follow my exploits on here. I remember having dinner with Jake the Snake on Thursday and talking about this very site. He mentioned something like this site was more intriguing than the atypicalLIVING site because of the very personal nature of the writing. I guess it’s because I’m so used to having the atypicalLIVING site follow what’s going on in Hawaii, I needed something that followed me around… kinda like a low-budget version of a reality TV show. This site is pretty much my event follower, my personal shrink and my little venting spot.
Which would explain why a good majority of these posts are like hella long. Don’t mind me, it’s all just coming out at once.
I was toying with the idea to change the banner on the site into something that incorporated the phrase “digital ink on digital paper.” But, I haven’t found that A+ image that could replace the lone Red Bull can up there. Once I do, definitely gonna switch it up. I’ve always been fond of change… just not when that change messes up something good.
Maybe if I could just focus on one (person, situation, goal, image, etc.), I wouldn’t have to worry about the other.
You know, I’ve always wondered what would have happened had Aaliyah survived the plane crash.
It’s a question that will always be asked, even when the right decision is made sometimes.
What if…. ?
Before every big decision, everyone runs through the same line of questions and it always starts with the “What If…” question first. In any pertinent, major decision, the “What If…” question always gets asked and will continually get asked, even after said major decision is made.
I know I ask myself that constantly, wondering if different situations would have turned out different had I taken another course of action. I’m reminded of this with everything I do. Even with atypicalLIVING, I always wondered what would have happened had I not reacted the way I did when Cesar and I disagreed on the direction Adiktion should take.
I also wondered what would have happened had I not listened to Chanel when she told me about doing it myself.
I also wondered what would have happened if Lofa and Kavet didn’t decide to help me out in the early stages of atypicalLIVING.
There’s a lot of decisions I’ve made, especially lately, where I’ve pretty much second guessed everything about it. Decisions about things said, feelings felt, ideas shared, and statements made. But, in the long run, I believe that God does have everything planned out and set. There are NO mistakes… NO coincidence… everything just works in the grand scheme of things planned out by the Creator. I just need to lay back and let things unfold, because I’ve tried the “making it happen on my own” bit and that really hasn’t panned out the way I’ve expected.
I’m more confused than ever and I think I’ve done the unthinkable and crossed the line with someone. Usually, once you cross the line, there’s no real going back after that and now… it just feels kinda… intriguing. Like, I get signals, but then again I don’t… but then again, it’s hard to read feeling over words on a page and posts on a digital piece of paper. Nothing could replace the intensity of a face to face, but, right now, that’s not going to work. I don’t really feel like talking about it, even though it torments the crap out of me.
It’s one of those things that… I know she knows… she knows I know… and yeah, not gonna go much further than that. I’ve been living so much in the spotlight and in the public for so long, I’ve forgotten how to keep things bottled up and inside and whatnot. Which is probably a good thing, in the long run, because bottling up feelings and thoughts and emotions and desires are definitely a bad thing.
Sometimes, though, for the sake of the friendship, I should just not say anything.
Just listening to the Ohmega Watts CD in the GR. It’s just another lazy Sunday in the store. Thank God I’m off tomorrow. This situation has been bugging me out and I’m ready to just get over it already. I mean, I shouldn’t be so concerned with it, but it’s just been bugging me.
Yikes, I wish I could just hit the reset button on this weeka nd start over with Monday again. Monday was much more fun than today, really. At least I was with people that dug having me around.
*sigh* Another weird ass dream again last night. This time, it was a bit more vivid than the others. I felt kinda guilty for having those thoughts when I woke up, so the morning shower was pretty much that reflective, almost wishing it never happened type of guilt there. I really don’t know why.
I’ll expound more on this later, need to head back out there.
“Reality is like a fine wine, it will not appeal to children.” - Donald Miller
You know, I haven’t unpacked from the trip yet. I guess, deep down, there’s something that I’m not quite ready to let go of from the trip and that I still don’t feel like I’m “home” just yet. Fortunately, for me, everyone else at work felt the same way, so I guess I wasn’t as emo as I once thought. It’s an on-going epidemic.
Spent the lunching period with @docrock and he dropped mad knowledge on all things ladies. I mena, I could sit and listen to him just expound on various topics. Thank God he’s gonna be writing a book.
Man, there’s some hella dope music going on right here. I’m freakin’ stoked about it all.
Anyway, I was thinking about things (when am I not?) and I just needed to just stop thinking out loud. I truly do need to find a filter for my face and just shut my piehole. Seriously, I need to get all about my business and try not to focus too much on the situation at hand or even the drama I didn’t cause, but I managed to cause with myself. I tend to do that, find a good situation and wreck the crap out of it. Yeah, seriously.
But yeah, I’m totally feeling this video, only because I think Ne-Yo is killing the game right now. Chris Brown might be the flavor of the month and Timberlake does come with the heat, but Ne-Yo got mad skills on the song-writing steez and on the production tip as well. I fully enjoy his parts, not so much Plies. I need to post some other types of songs on here, just to change the mood and atmosphere of the front page.
I should do another iTunes Roulette. Yeah, I think that’s in order.
Yesterday was pretty rough on me. Besides the fact that I was still feeling the after effects of jet lag and drama, I had little break in the action. Thank God for lunch breaks and people not showing up, otherwise, I would have been fully out of it by the end of the day.
After that fun little mess, I met up with Cher and discussed the doings of what went down in the Pacific Northwest. I know that I’ve written (and complained) a lot about everything that happened, but no one knows the full breadth of the story until last night. It was really good just to get things out there and to let everything out, without hiding identities or feeling like I’m gonna be judged for it in the long run. It’s moments like that that I truly treasure in life and makes the drama I get myself into a little more bearable.
And that’s the completely goofy part about this: I still think I’m the cause for everything happening, but still, it’s not my fault. No matter how many people tell me it isn’t, somehow I still feel it is. Like, I didn’t hop on a plane for five hours, then on a train for another 3 1/2 just to be launched into some weird situation. Things fall apart, and, somehow, I seem to find myself in the middle of it all. It’s like Jolene all over again.
But, the Lord does have something planned.
I still need to figure out what that plan is though.
I seem to find drama, even though I actively avoid it at all times. And then, with posts like the ones below this one, it seems like I make drama for myself. And I really don’t mean to, either. I just say how I feel and the words on this blog just come out. Again, hit post - hit flush. I’m just letting it all out in a public forum that people can read. I live such a public life that it’s nice to have a bit of privacy every now and then, thus the fact that everything is written with pseudonyms and allusions to other situations.
But, I feel like I’ve spent enough time concentrating on this issue that I’ve probably burnt myself out on the whole thing. I can’t change anyone’s mind with my writing, and doing anything at this point would just be a stupid idea on my part, so I’m just going to let things sort itself out. I’ll try and find some peace that way, because I sure wasn’t finding it through other methods.
I also think that I ruin trust too quickly. Like, I never thought things would end up like this. Or that I’d be as emo about everything as I have, but these are issues that I have to deal with. Me and God got some work to do in order to make myself feel like I can trust myself with other people again.
I just feel really crappy about everything. I guess that can sum everything up in a nutshell.
Sometimes, I just miss the simplicity of being friends. Emotions just get in the way of everything.
SO, I’m typing this up on the plane and I know, I know… the past two updates were pretty intense and serious. Sorry, just working through some issues I had going on in my head. I was super conflicted over the past week, some would understand, others wouldn’t, but that’s okay, I don’t really expect people to understand my thought processes anyway. Besides, the whole point of Mister J: All Day is so I can find out about my own thought processes as well. Believe me, I’m just as confused about me as you are.
The trip was an amazing experience that I’m super happy to go through. Well, most of it I was happy to go through… the final day in both Seattle and Portland were perfect examples of why I lean on my friends for support. The day began innocently enough… me forgetting that I was in Yumi’s apartment. Wrapped things up there, took some final pictures and we were off, clunky bags in hand. I have to give it up to Miss Yumi for dealing with everything there. I honestly don’t know if I could stand being in that environment for too long… which is why I’m determined to get her back to Hawaii in the next year.
We hit up the neighborhood coffeehouse and picked up some stuff for breakfast. We then made our way over to the Matale Line for one last stop before sending me South. Got to hang out and see what she does on a daily basis… which is cool, but yeah… it’s still not Hawaii. See saw me off at the train station, which is kinda sad, knowing that I got to go back to Hawaii and warm weather and everything she wants, but can’t get right now. That’s kinda what inspired me to write the 1500 word manifesto down there. Sometimes, I wish I could just switch places with someone for a few weeks, just so they get to experience everything I’m blessed to experience on a daily basis… everything that I take for granted. Not too worry, the MIss Yumi - Hawaii tour is next month, so I’m hella looking forward to it.
The train ride… well, you only need to read the prior two posts to figure out what happened there.
Getting back to Portland meant finally kicking it with Kosty. I really miss kicking it with Brandon around the store and talking all types of trash with him. I kinda took Brandon leaving a little hard because he was the first person to notice the Threadless and boutique shirts that I rocked, so the connection was made immediately. Hand to God, Brandon was the first person that made me feel truly part of Apple, so to see him again is always a fun time.
What began as a trip to check stuff out downtown, turned into a retail buying session. Me buying toys and shop shirts… Brandon picking up toys and stuff for the house. Ended it with a trip to the Blind Onion, which had some pretty good pizza and interesting atmosphere. Pretty stoked about the apartment. Victoria, you’re gonna love the space you’re moving into. Optimal slouchability on the couch and a pretty fast internet connection = fun times. Well, as much fun as one can have in Portland on a Monday night.
Speaking of, we spent the rest of the night floating around downtown Portland, looking for things to do. We hit up Backspace, a dope cafe that managed to fit a treehouse, a computer repair spot and a LAN party room in one location. We worked our way around the corner and hit up Ground Kontrol, which is a retro arcade gaming parlor. Seriously, everything was here: NBA Jam, Marvel vs. Capcom, Street Fighter 2 and 3, WWF Wrestlefest, Mortal Kombat… and the ultimate: The Simpsons Arcade game.
Suffice to say, you know where the majority of those quarters went. I believe I spent about $3 in quarters trying to beat the game. Which, I’m happy to announce… we did. That totally made my night there and kinda helped me get over that emoness that I felt on the train. After the arcade, we just wandered around the city, looking at the buildings and staring at the fountains and how they worked.
After a ton of walking, we went and found Voodoo Donut, where they make some weird ass donuts, man. Kosty had the Cocoa Puff covered one… I opted for the M&Ms. Both were weird, but HELLA good. Definite thumbs up on that one. After another couple of minutes wandering around the city, I got dropped off at the hotel and best wishes were exchanged.
If there’s anything that I wish for the atypicalLIVING Northwest crew, it’s that they stay warm and stay up. I’m trying to make sure people don’t forget that Miss Yumi, creative Lauren, and Kosty are there and I’m trying to push the warm Hawaii vibes back their way. Just knowing that I was able to bring some sunshine into Yumi’s normally gloomy and dreary routine… knowing that me and Lauren are still able to act silly and make fun of white kids dancing, even after a few months apart… knowing that me being there allowed Kosty to speak Pidgin for the first time in a few months. The fact that I was able to bring a piece of Hawaii back to some homesick kids was very gratifying and I would gladly suffer in the cold for that cause.
The memories and lessons from the trip will carry over back into Hawaii, as I get my grind back on and prepare for the art show in August. I have my mission and the end goal is clear, now I’m just trying to make everything make sense in between.
Hawaii, you got a more focused Mister J coming back… you ready for that?
I caught a glimpse, but its been forgotten
So here we are again
I made a vow, to carry you home… home
I really tried to do what you wanted
It all went wrong again
I made a vow, to carry you home
If you fall sick, if you pass out
I figured it out, I can see again
==================
Now, this post, I HIGHLY encourage listening to the song first before reading. Usually, it’s just the inspired by part. Now, this is actually part of the post to describe the story I was thinking about tonight.
Before I get started, I’d like to go into background into the Mister J: All Day blog.
Now, this was not meant as a site for opinions or anything of that ilk. This site was developed as more of a stream of conscious thought that I just want to put out there and completely forget about as soon as I hit post. This attitude has gotten me in trouble before, but it has also helped me deal with a lot of things in my life, just kinda putting it out there and seeing if anyone cares enough to leave me an email.
Now, normally, hitting the post button is the equivalent of flushing. As soon as the words come out of my brain and onto the blog page, I forget and dump all information… until now.
This past one has been bothering me for a bit, only because I spent a lot of time on public transportation thinking about the content. I really wanted it to be a deep look into my soul and what makes me tick (which is what I try to accomplish with every post here). But that last one kinda left me for a loop. It seemed a bit TOO honest, really.
So now, in the midst of all this, I’ve been left with decisions and actions to take. I’ve made (and done, and said, and spent money on) some stupid things in the past 12 hours. Everything COULD have been avoided really if I had just shut my big ass mouth, but NOOOOOO… Jessie needs to say things.
So, now, it’s all been said… it’s all been done. And I just wait for the backlash to hit. I wait for the emails bugging me who I was talking about in the post below. I wait for the angry emails from the two that find out it’s them. I wait for the constant nagging I’ll get once I get home from sources that I’d rather not name right now. I wait for the beginning of this new existence that I’ve found.
Lastly, I wait on the fact that with every piece of encouragement… is another piece of criticism, both just and unjust. I await all that, as now, it’s back to the grind for me.
But, what about the song, you ask?
Well, the song is the anthem to which I make the decisions to. I’m pretty sure I’ve posted this video before, but I’ll post it again, because it matches. A careful analysis of the lyrics, the tone of the song, and the every single post on this site will reveal all the answers you need to know about how this song applies to my life. I’m very open when it comes ot any aspect of my life, but I’m very secretive when it comes to my love life. I’d rather keep that under wraps and shrouded in secrecy.
I try to forget about it and just be content with myself, but the sharp pangs of loneliness creep in and the basic need to feel the embrace of another just likes to tap itself on my shoulder every now and then.
I should stop feeling so emo and just suppress and move on from all this. I should do just that. I should stop thinking so selfishly about myself and focus on the needs of others. I need to do a lot more to even feel remotely better about myself right now.
But, there in lies the weird dichotomy of this situation. I’d LOVE to feel better, but I feel so much more creative and focused when I’m depressed. I’d rather focus on the needs of others, be really creative in the process, and make someone else’s day, even if it is at the detriment of my own personal feelings.
It’s like I’d rather be depressed and super creative… and that, in turn SHOULD make me happy.
But it’s not making me happy. Not the way that I’d like to be. So, I reach for something more. I reach for anything that will snap me out of it.
So, I think about all the people I know. All my friends. And I think about how happy they are. How hapy they are with their significant others. I see how just talking about them bring a smile to their face, how just the mere mention of that person’s name brings up such strong emotions and feelings and thoughts.
Then, I closed my eyes and envisioned a field. A field full of these couples, happily embracing and enjoying the mere presence of the other person. And the look in each of their glances is one of… getting it. They get the dual seriousness and levity of the situation. And they figured out the answer… and the answer is in the arms of that other person. The person they call their own. And, in a way, I guess I’m super jealous of that. That they have found the answer, but it’s answer for themselves and not for anyone else. Their answer is not my answer. Sure, the couples mean well and wish me luck on finding that answer, but the answer is as elusive as the wind. Constantly chasing it and feeling it’s presence, but never truly seeing it or truly understanding the power that is harnessed within.
I fully believe the feeling of love is similar to the feeling of the wind’s caress on your skin. Soft, gentle, pleasing, beautiful.
Oh, if only to feel that feeling once, if only for a brief moment… will be worth all this trouble.
You know, leaving the cold and harsh reality that is Seattle was kinda depressing. I know what you’re thinking… I’m crazy for thinking that, because Hawaii is that much more nicer. But, I’m just missing out on the people I met and also feel kinda bad that I can’t bring them back with me to enjoy the sun again.
And that’s probably the one thing that I’ll take from this: I’m gonna enjoy the sun for those that can’t do so. I took the outdoors so much for granted, being stuck inside all day. Well, I wandered around Seattle, braving the 50 degree weather and the hills to get around and it was pretty annoying. The fact that people I truly care about are stuck in this is even more depressing at that.
But, I’m working on it as we speak. I had a dream that’s been recurring the past couple of days and I think God is trying to tell me something about it, but I just need to put the pieces together to make it make sense. Well, in my head it makes sense, but, in reality, not so much.
I just feel really annoyed that I’m in such a helpless position right now and that nothing I can say or do can really make the situation better. It sucks not having the ability to direct control something, but that’s something I need to work on both personally and spiritually. I just need to let thing play out and let God handle all of that. I think I’ve interjected myself a bit too much during this trip and I should just scale back and let God, the master planner of it all, get things settled for me, before setting out to work with me and someone else.
And it’s the someone else that truly bothers me. I remember talking to Micah about this a while back and I feel that it’s a bit better for me to go it alone and just type out my life based on the CHASE of the one, not about the one. It seems to be more entertaining that way when I write about the chase. I feel kinda uncomfortable writing about someone who I might think might be the one, but not quite so sure deep down inside. I have two girls in mind at the moment, both with their own lovely quirks and dopeness about them. And I’m pretty sure they will make perfect companions for some other guy… yet I deny myself that image to place them with me.
One meets all the criteria that speaks to me spiritually and artistically. She’s beyond dope and I’m even shocked that I think about her as often as I do. But, this falls into the whole “you don’t date someone from inside the crew” line that I’ve drawn in the sand before. She’s sweet, she’s goofy, she’s into the same things I am and she’s got an amazing gift with media that completely throws me for a loop. And I love it.
BUT! There’s no way I’m even in her degree program, let alone her class. I mean, for someone THAT dope to be into me would be absolutely impossible.
Two is the classic “main homie” syndrome. She speaks to my artistic and creative side, as someone that could check me on my stupid ideas every now and then. She’s someone I can tell anything to and can share darn near every secret with. Which, if you’ve known me long enough, you know that - if something is a closely guarded secret with me, it remains a closely guarded secret. I don’t like sharing. I mean, I share enough of my life through this blog, don’t really need to share more than that, right?
BUT! The fear of f—ing up what’s already a pretty solid relationship is the biggest fear in the world. I love what we are now, I don’t ever want that to change and I don’t want to find out what my life would be like if that did happen. That fear cripples the crap out of me, because I’d like to be more proactive in this relationship department, but I really don’t like the ramifications of making the move and then messing up.
I’m VERY good at messing things up. You can ask around for that.
I probably love this girl more than I love most people, with the exception of Germie, Mom and Dad, and Mama. She would probably come in a close fifth, ranking right above Adam and Ian (sorry guys, but it’s true). So, the risk/reward factor is very high.
Even though i feel this way, I’d much rather see both of them with someone else than with me, honestly. I’ve become so comfortable as the friend role and I’ve played it for so long that I don’t know if I could be anything else, really. All my relationships have ended kinda sketchy, and the fear of entering another that is so high risk is really scary. Really, really scary. The way things ended for me and Rachael and me and Chanel were pretty horrible (wow, didn’t think I’d ever mention their names on this blog… ever). I mean, I did stuff and generally acted like a total dick about everything at the end.
And I really hate doing that. I don’t like being mean, but I just get pushed and pushed and…
I really don’t like being put in that situation.
But alas, I am like another year away from calling it a life and going the celibacy route. I doubt I can find the right timing to make things work, really, between either dope artsy girl one or dope artsy girl two. I just feel that, maybe, God might be calling me for a deeper purpose. One that I can only do alone, without the help or guidance of another.
If you told me this a year ago, I’d be totally bummed and completely cursing God and everything.
Tell me this now, and I’m actually okay with it.
I try to be as selfless as possible, sharing my life with everyone online and being a generally helpful person. I try to champion causes that are important to me, doing whatever I can to save the world before taking it over. So, I think I’ve done enough sharing of myself that I probably don’t need to share much more. Give God’s love, get God’s love in return, right?
So, I guess the countdown is on, really. I’d be glad to turn over the keys of my relationships to God and let Him make the decisions for me. I don’t think i need another person to satisfy the intimate side. I just need to bury myself more into God’s plan and purpose and everything will turn out okay, right?
I mean, it sucks right now being alone, but I’m trying to get over that feeling. I hate feeling lonely and I don’t think I’ll ever feel too bad about being alone, but with enough love from friends, family and “familia”, I should be more than alright for the long haul.
I guess it all boils down to the fact that I treasure other people’s happiness over my own. I’d rather be the miserable one and you guys be happy. So, it kills me when I’m happy and others aren’t. Like, I feel almost guilty for being happy. Also, i think I’m a better writer when I complain about stuff, which is what this blog post kinda turned into. it makes me feel happy to see other people happy and it makes me feel pretty depressed that I get to be happy, while other people are struggling to find happiness. Like, i wish there could be a happiness transplant I could give to people to make them feel better all the time.
I’d rather deny myself the joy and let someone else take the spotlight, which would kinda explain a lot of things: why I never go by my real name when writing things; why i try not to mention myself ever on the atypicalLIVING site; why Lofa is the face of atypicalLIVING and not me; why I’d rather be the guy taking the photos and writing the articles; why I’m so free with my copyrighted work and allow others to take so freely; why I don’t tag any of my photos with the atypicalLIVING logo (even though I should)… I’d rather let someone else take the spotlight than hog it all for myself.
Chanel’s personality was, and probably still is, very pessimistic and, for some reason, I always thought I was the cause of it. Which is probably why that relationship was doomed to fail. I would always try to make up and apologize for something I didn’t do, just because it felt like the right thing to say. And by doing so, it just made things progressively worse, because I would then keep apologizing when there was no need to. And the guilt of all that, combined with the fact I was such a dick towards the end makes me feel very guilty whenever I talk to her, which is why I haven’t talked to her in almost a year. Which is sad because she’s really good people.
For those reasons, I believe I will never have a normal relationship… ever. This love thing is better suited for people that deserve it.
Everyone deserves their lobster. And I’m just a seal just trying to find my way.
